I recreate myself from fire and water…

28 th day

SHORT STORY

The year 2013 summer was approaching and of course in the scorching heat of Urfa... It had been a year since I moved to the city. I rented a house with a view on the fifth floor. There was a market in front of my house. I was lucky in this regard. I was on my way home from school and wanted to stop by the market. I was going to buy some summer fruits. After I did a couple of shopping, a little boy of seven years old came to me with a wheelbarrow... 'Do you need a car, sister?'
 she asked. I looked at her face, she looked very cute, but my house was close and I didn't want the child to carry my belongings. I said thank you and smiled, offered her to eat plums, she didn't want it. I continued to buy some more things, I had a little too much stuff from the market. The boy came back to me. 'Sister, please let me carry your belongings...' She was very eager, it was a little heavy on my belongings, I couldn't break it, I said 'okay'. And as soon as I said okay, he immediately took the items in my hand and loaded them into the wheelbarrow. I said, 'What's your name'. "Hassan," he said. She said, "Do you go to school?" "Yes, sister, I come to work after school." I had no intention of teaching now. I just smiled and continued shopping together. A little while later, another boy, a year or two older, came to her. He was his older brother and they started chatting with him. And they followed me wherever I went. I looked and the weather was very hot. I said, 'You don't need to go around with me, wait for me in the shade under that tree, I'll bring the stuff to the car as I get it'.
 They said 'OK'. While I was buying some more things, I passed them again, but they did not see me, I witnessed the conversation between them. His brother wanted to eat the plums and apricots in the car. But Hassan would not allow it. He was saying, "No, I can't allow it, it would be a shame to my sister." Her brother insisted. ‘What if we eat one, how will he know?’ But Hasan was very determined and definitely did not allow it. I really liked this determination in Hasan. I don't know why but I wanted to give him some extra money. At first he didn't want to buy it but then when I insisted he did. And we took all the furniture up to my house together. On the way, he told me a little about his story. He says that he has eight siblings, three younger sisters, that he loves Dilan the most, etc. Children open up very easily if they find someone who listens to them attentively. That's what the room did.
Oh, of course, I offered apricots and plums to his brother...

27 th day 

YUSUF'S STORY  PART 5
I did not take Yusuf to class, I was very sorry, but I had to do this. Yusuf was waiting in the school garden, he did not go home. He wanted to go in, but the guards at the gate did not allow it, the manager had informed them in advance so that they would not let Yusuf in. I was lecturing, but my eyes were on Yusuf. That day somehow passed, the last lesson came. While I was dealing with the problems of other children, Yusuf was out of my mind. There was a shout from the hallway, one of the school's rude teachers shouting loudly to a boy:
 ‘Sick thing why do you come to school? Everyone will get sick because of you, I won't see you at school again,' he was shouting to Yusuf in front of the whole school. At that moment, I went out and saw Yusuf being scolded in front of all his friends. I was so angry. While I was explaining nicely so as not to offend him, he was shouting loud and clear to the child, who was a teacher, that he should not come to school. I got angry and yelled at me. I said, 'You shouldn't talk to a child like that. And that shouting continued between us. Two teachers were shouting at each other in front of the whole school, it was a bad sight. He did not expect this output from me. While I was shouting at him, I was walking towards Yusuf, to get his heart, The teacher was still calling after me and said, 'You already love the villager more than us.' I had left him now. I was going after him to console Yusuf, he was running towards the house, I followed him with fast steps, but I could not catch up. After school, I went home, while I was thinking why these people are so sad, my doorbell rang. It was Yusuf's father. I yelled at him too. I said, 'why don't you take this child to the hospital', 'if you don't take this child to the hospital tomorrow morning, I won't look at you again.'
And I closed the door as I said that, tears welling in my eyes. The next day, Yusuf took him to the hospital.
and happy ending...

26 th day 
Ayşe's Story Part 3

Ayşe had an argument with Kenan and came home in a depressed mood. She wanted to talk to Canan and relax, but Canan was already asleep. Ayşe went to bed to sleep, but she could not sleep. She thought it best to go out to the garden and get some air. She hadn't been in the garden for a long time. She noticed that all the plants were wilting and there were lots of cigarette butts on the floor. She had finally realized the depressed state her sister was in. Her argument with Kenan was gone from her mind and she felt sorry for Canan. She decided to devote more time to her. The next day she called the office and said she wanted to go to work late. She stayed at home and prepared breakfast for Canan. The clock was ticking, but Canan still hadn't woken up. Finally, she decided to go into her room and remove it. Canan did not realize that Ayşe was at home. She was surprised to see her, but did not react much. Ayşe took him to breakfast with some difficulty. It had been so long since the older sister and girl talked, they were like two strangers in the same house. Ayşe understood that she was neglecting her and was trying to cheer her up. Just when a warm atmosphere of conversation began to form, the doorbell rang. It was Kenan who came. When Ayşe didn't go to work today after her arguments last night, she was curious about her but could not reach her by phone. That's why she came home. Ayşe was surprised to see him and invited him to the house. Canan was seeing Kenan for the first time. He was more handsome than she expected. But of course, she still didn't want to share her sister with him. She had a little chat with Kenan, then went to her room and never came out again. Ayşe and Kenan were left alone. Ayşe 'why did you come, I am going to come to work in the afternoon anyway'
 Kenan 'I was wondering about you, I couldn't reach you since the evening and you didn't come to work today', this situation made Ayşe happy. She forgot the anxiety she felt for Canan, and Kenan and Ayşe sat in the garden and drank coffee. Meanwhile, when she went to the kitchen to bring water to Ayşe, Kenan moved his chair a little closer to Ayşe's chair. When Ayşe came back, there was an interaction between them and Kenan kissed her. Canan's room overlooked the garden. Since Ayşe knew this situation, she looked towards Canan's room and made eye contact with her.. Ayşe was ashamed of her sister and turned to Kenan. "Let's get up, we're running late for work," she said. And they're out. While Canan was happy that her sister was happy, her loneliness was getting worse. Normally, she was someone who didn't care much about this situation, but now she was thinking about this issue every day. Canan decided to return to the village for a while and stay there alone for a while. She told the situation to Ayşe, but Ayşe did not want to accept this situation. But Canan was determined. She had already bought her ticket to the village for the next day. A sadness filled Ayşe's heart, and she realized once again how precious her sister was to her. But it didn't stop her. Canan got on the bus the next day and the journey to the village started.

25 th day

YUSUF'S STORY PART 4

I don't know how it happened when it was Monday, but people at school heard that Yusuf had anthrax. There was a complete anthrax crisis at school. Only the principal did not know, and when he told the principal about the incident, he turned pale and his hands began to tremble. He called the Director of National Education and explained the incident. The whole county was now aware of the incident. A team from the district came and quarantined Yusuf's house. They sprayed all over with cream etc. A health worker came from Güçlükonak in the evening and informed us about the disease. He shared with us that this disease is not likely to be transmitted by breathing, but that it can be transmitted by eating the meat of sick animals. And I panicked a little after this news, why? I'm telling you right now.
Yusuf and his family lived right next to my house. And lately, Yusuf's mother was often cooking meat, sending me a plate. I ate happily too. When the experts came to the village and did research on the animals of the family, we learned that the animals of the family had died of disease for a while. And they offered me these meats many times.
Health workers and others from the county thanked me for uncovering the incident and preventing its further spread. But I couldn't tell anyone that I ate that meat, and for a while I lived in fear of getting anthrax.
A week had passed, and the effect of the anthrax crisis had lessened a little. This finding was not found in anyone other than Yusuf. Later, Yusuf's grandmother passed away. And there was no one to stay with Yusuf in the hospital. They rushed the boy out of the hospital and brought him home. Will E Yusuf stay in this house while everyone is coming to school? He has come, but everyone at the school is aware of this situation now and the school principal The other teachers do not want Yusuf at school. I was in between. I did not know how to explain this situation to Yusuf. The boy insisted on coming to school and was looking me in the eyes, as if to say, Please take me to the classroom. I took Yusuf to a class, but this time, I was afraid if it would pass on to other children. I took Yusuf to a quiet part of the school during recess, I didn't want anyone to hear him, so as not to hurt him. 'Look, Yusuf, my intention is not to offend you. I love you very much. You are a little sick right now and you have to go to Siirt, you need to continue your unfinished treatment. Let this wound heal, then come back to school, okay?
Yusuf said, "Okay, I'm going home, teacher" and left. But the next day he came again. His family would not take the child to the hospital because there was condolences at home. And it is not clear how long the condolences will last.

24 th day

YUSUF'S STORY PART 3

I was shocked, I didn't know how to react. “Can I see Yusuf?” Despite all his mischief, I missed him. The nurses did not refuse my request and took me to the room where Yusuf was staying. He was surprised to see me. A smile appeared on his face, but it is very light here. I love these habits of children, they do not exaggerate their feelings, they live in it. Yusuf's arms were riddled with holes from wearing serum. I looked at the wound on his foot, it had gotten bigger. It was just like the picture of 'anthrax' on the computer. Anyway, I didn't look that way so that Yusuf would not be affected, I bought a set of bed pajamas. I handed it over and gave it something to eat and the girl standing next to it put my stuff in the closet. I saw a pack of tiny milk in the cupboard and I thought maybe there was another visitor. I asked Yusuf, 'Do you drink milk?'
Joseph did not answer. The girl next to him spoke, "he doesn't drink the milk, my teacher is hiding it, he will take it to his younger siblings." My daughter's words stuck in my throat like a ball. I wished I could bring more. After spending some more time, I left Yusuf's side.

23 th day 

YUSUF'S STORY PART 2

Since I started living in the village, the people there have been more friendly to me, and I asked a villager with a transit vehicle and he convinced me to take the boy to the doctor. We called Yusuf's mother to school. I was very angry with the woman inside, how could Yusuf, who immediately caught my attention in my class, not see this situation. The woman had fifteen children, it is difficult to look after all of them, but still, this cannot be an excuse. Even though these thoughts swirled in my head, I did not reveal them to the woman. I said now is not the time and did not open the subject. I couldn't go to the hospital because I was going to stay with my other students. His mother and Yusuf and his mother went to the hospital. First, they thought that the wound was a 'scorpion sting', so they said there was no need to take him far, and they took him to the health center in the nearest district. Later, the news came that Yusuf was transferred to Siirt. The situation worried me a little. Four days had passed since that day, and Yusuf still had not come out of the hospital and we did not receive any news. I was calling every day and talking to his mother, but his mother was saying that Yusuf was fine with half-baked Turkish. I didn't understand anything else. I think the woman did not understand much of what the doctor said and could not convey it to us. On Friday, I called the hospital in the morning, maybe I could talk to the doctors, but there were no doctors. I spoke to one of the nurses, but I cannot give information about this disease over the phone. He said that you need to come and talk to the doctor in person. The next day, I decided to go to the hospital in person. Because they were neither leaving the child nor explaining properly. Since it was Saturday, it was a holiday at school, I took the village minibus in the morning and we drove to Siirt from the peaks of the mountains. Two hours later, I reached the hospital, I saw the nurses looking after Yusuf. I insisted on informing the nurses and they said that Yusuf's illness was anthrax. I couldn't believe it, it sounded like a serious illness. But I still didn't know anything about anthrax. I talked to your doctor. "There's nothing definitive yet, we're investigating," he said... more to come

22 th day 

YUSUF'S STORY PART 1
I was working in Şırnak in 2010, it was the second year of my profession, I went to my hometown for a 10-day holiday and came back. I missed the children during this holiday, so I went to school excited to see them. I felt that they missed me too.
We were spending the first lesson chatting and conversation, I was asking what everyone was doing during the holidays, how many candies they collected, it wasn't long before I noticed something in the middle of the lesson, Yusuf, a student who is always fidgety, can't sit still, is a candidate for the top three in the list of the most naughty people in the class. He was sitting quietly that day. It was as if he was in no mood to do anything. When I got a little closer to him, the bruise under his eyes caught my attention, I got closer, I put my hand on his forehead, it was burning like fire. Then I touched his neck and arms, it was like fire there. "I said what's wrong" He said weakly, showing his leg, "dupishk". It was one of the few Kurmanji words I knew, it meant 'Scorpion', I looked at the place where Yusuf was pointing, I saw a huge wound just above his ankle, but I had never seen such a wound before, it was very different, a hole in the middle as if a bullet had entered it. and a red swelling at the edges of the hole, I couldn't comment much because I had not seen a scorpion wound before. The pictures we looked on the internet were not very similar, but when I looked at the effects of scorpion sting, it said high fever, chills. That part was true, and it matched the indications of Yusuf. We seemed sure it was a scorpion, and now it was time to find a vehicle to take the boy to the doctor. The village was about 2 hours away from the center and the roads were always on the edge of the cliff and the village was connected to the city by village bus, but every day, one or two buses would leave from the village in the morning and they would go to the city in the morning and return in the evening. The morning bus was already gone... more to come

21 th day 


 Today I started the day with a nice nature walk and then I meditated on the water's edge on the pier and it felt very good. Now a boat has passed through the canal in front of the house, I want the next neighbor's boat and I have a boat too. Then immediately an inner voice scolded me, saying, "You are a naughty boy who wants everything you have." This voice was not my voice, yes, this voice was my mother's voice, and I wonder if I am being unfair to my mother even as I write this. I was suffering from guilt... On the one hand, but on the other hand, I am sure that this voice is my mother's voice and this voice speaks a lot inside me. When he is about to start doing something, from time to time, "don't do it, you can't do it" or "swimming there, you'll drown, it's dangerous" "don't wander here alone" "for example, the last thing he said stayed in my memory for a long time, you can't do anything other than teaching" etc. Moreover, when his mother tells him this, he believes a person as if he were a five-year-old child, no matter how grown he is. If my mom says so, it is. A thought swept over me. Nowadays, I get rid of Demet from both my own thoughts and my mother's thoughts and patterns. I turned 36 this year and I only noticed this voice, and this speaking in the head of this girl called Demet, her fear of the journeys she has taken or will take, and perhaps her mother to set off and come back halfway down the road with this remorse, despite her mother. I want to remove Demet from all molds. She deserves it. I myself as a conscious and sensitive woman. I pull down all the stereotypes of my mother and my family. I realized that there was another living space from these patterns that I could never fit in, and that I always bumped into from one side to the other. This is possible.
I'm not asking for the opinions of these talking parents right now, in real life, it's been a long time since I've done this... But it seems that I realized these thought patterns in my head, these criticisms directed at me from within, and it was when I started to meditate that I broke my ties with them. And it continues to be. Thank you to the universe for this...

20 th day 

We went to Amsterdam this morning to look for a house. I didn't like it much because I have another house in mind. I want it to come in Amstelveen, close to the forest, and I deserve it. And today, there were two good developments in my life, the first of which was a material development. I have some money in my account from tax and I can pay my debt to a friend. Another good thing is that I wanted to go to the painting supplies store for a long time, but I couldn't go because it was in a very steep place, my wife finally took it today and I bought the paints I wanted. I plan to paint later in the day. And a bike tour. I've been doing research on yoga for a long time. When you think of yoga, only asanas come to mind. But I feel that yoga has many different doors and I have to open them. a flow began to form from the bottom of my heart towards that place. But my mind is wondering, first I need to gather information.

19th day

Ayşe's Story Part 2

Ayşe, who received the news of the postponement of the exam, told this to Canan. 'I have to go back to the village', I guess. Canan 'wait, I will try to arrange money for you from here'
There was an old grumpy Aunt living in the village. No one liked this aunt, but everyone was very shy, she was a bit of an outspoken woman. Canan hesitantly told the situation to Aunt .
He still loved the girls, even though he didn't love his father. He did not turn down Canan. He gave her the money that Ayşe will stay at the teacher's house until the exam date. Ayşe, who was very happy with this situation, made good use of the time left until the exam and prepared intensely for the exam. He was very excited when the exam day came. But she managed to calm herself down, she. And he passed the exam well. The day after the exam she returned to the village, she. They didn't want to think about the exam for a while anymore. The two girls devoted themselves to the affairs of the village. After a month passed, these two girls living alone in the village began to attract the attention of many people. Some relatives made it their duty to marry these two girls to someone else. They were constantly coming and telling someone and boring the girls. Tired of these pressures, the girls told Hala about the situation. And Aunt solved the case for a while, no one came home for this reason... Ayşe's exam result came. It was higher than she expected. She could choose the places she wanted with this score. And then she made her choices, she came the second place she wanted. The day she got this good news, Ayşe couldn't help herself and started dancing in the streets of the village. Of course, he kept the dance show short, fearing that it would be misrepresented and that the number of suitors would increase. Then a preparation rush started in Ayşe and Canan. Aunt shared their excitement. Everything was going well for Ayşe. But Canan was still unemployed. And if Ayşe left, she would be alone in the village. This situation saddened Canan inside, Ayşe realized this. 'I'll go and settle down, find a house, and then you can come to me,' she said. This situation pleased Canan and she said goodbye to her brother with a little peace of mind.
Ayşe felt alone, she was going to a city she never knew. She wasn't going out for the first time, but she always went with someone. She had felt her mother and missed her. She believed her mother was watching her from afar. She asked him to help her, she said. And it was as if the help he had been waiting for had come. He started work and bought a house within a month. And as promised, she brought Canan with her. Ayşe's salary was not very good, but it barely caught up with everything. They were thrifty because of their village habits, and Canan had already planted something in the small garden in front of the house.
Ayşe had become a popular girl at work. She attracted the attention of men at work with her smiling face and beauty. But Ayşe did not look at anyone differently, she treated everyone equally. But a boy named Kenan had increased his interest in Ayşe and Ayşe was aware of the situation. And this was beginning to please him. When he went home in the evenings, he began to talk to Canan about Kenan. Canan, who was happy with the situation at first, had a fear after Ayşe talked about that Kenan every day. He was thinking, 'I wonder if my brother will go with Kenan and I will be alone' and he was worried. Now, whenever Ayşe talks about Kenan; She was either changing the subject or ignoring her. On the other hand, she was jealous of Ayşe's excited and lively mood and saw herself as a woman who always stayed at home, cut off her ties with the outside, and was disliked. He also wanted to fall in love with someone, but it is not possible in this house. She said, "If only these plants would fall in love with me here," she moved away from the plants in the garden. And the plants began to wilt one by one. Since Canan wanted to get rid of all these thoughts, she started to look for a job very often, but she could not find it.
  Ayşe, on the other hand, was walking on the clouds, unaware of her girl's situation. They had started to meet with Kenan outside and sometimes he would come home late. When he arrived, he found Canan at home, in front of the TV, eating sunflower seeds. They were not chatting as much as before... more to come

18 th day

Hüseyin's Story Part 2

And it was morning, finally we came to Rize. As I was getting off the bus, I looked at Hüseyin but did not see him, I couldn't look too much at the insistence of the passengers coming behind me, and I got off the bus. Most of the passengers got off in Rize, there were 6-7 people left to continue to Hopa, and we went to the office of the company that we bought the ticket from, and the man there said with complete fox cunning, 'I can't send the big bus to Hopa for that many people'. I said, 'How come, when we bought tickets from Erzincan, we stated that we were going to Hopa. No matter how many of us there are, you have to take it." He said, "I don't care about that." ‘Of course, I was angry with the situation, the idea that we were treated unfairly is not nice. How does one of Turkey's most famous companies commit such fraud? I will report you to customer service etc. I said things. But the man said, 'Look at your ticket, lady, where does it say', we looked at the ticket, it was actually written Rize. And all of the 6-7 people who were there bought tickets to Hopa, but all of them had Rize written on their tickets. "Sister, you will go to Rize by this bus, from there they will send you to Hopa by minibus." They said similar things to the others. Anyway, to the guy who wrote it when we said it. He said, "There are minibuses around the corner, go with them". And since Hopa was not written on any of the tickets we had, we could not claim a right. Then we went to the minibus Pasha Pasha. But of course, I'm angry with myself inside, how could you be so naive, why didn't you write Hopa there, etc. I kept saying things while going to the minibus. We got on the minibus, I thought, 'at least let's sit in the front seat of the minibus and relax a little while enjoying the view of the green and the sea'. When the minibus started to move, the assistant driver called out to the driver, "stop, another passenger is coming after us." Guess who came to the car. Hüseyin  of course. And turning to me, "Sister, why didn't you wake me up?" I was a little embarrassed. I said, 'I looked but I couldn't see you,' but it didn't stop. He was very angry with me about the fraud that the company did. ‘They had to take us to Hopa. Why didn't you object?' said Hüseyin . I replied immediately.
‘We objected, but the tickets we had were written as Rize. That's why we couldn't say much' Hüseyin was thrown out immediately.
'Okay, my ticket says Hopa, I had a fight with all of them, but they didn't listen to me because I was alone. If you were with me, I would have taken the bus to Hopa...' I was surprised, of course, I looked at the ticket and it said Hopa. Hüseyin  was the only vigilant Hüseyin  among all those people. And he had Hopa written on his ticket. I had a laugh, but then I was sad to leave him alone.
In this way, we started to head towards Hopa. When the sea on the one hand, the forest on the other and the rain come together, peace inevitably comes by itself. I watched the scene for about an hour, then the assistant called to the minibus driver and said, "A passenger wants a toilet break." The driver stopped at a suitable place. A lot of time passed and the minibus was not continuing. And we only had an hour to go. I was really impatient, waiting here after all this road. 'We won't go, driver,' 'Sister, a passenger entered the toilet, he did not come out, the door was locked, and the assistant friend cannot open it.' I had no doubt that the insider was Hüseyin. But I liked that the driver and his assistant didn't leave him. After a while, Hüseyin came out of the toilet, wet his hair and combed it, his face was wet. He got on the minibus 'Sorry, I kept you waiting...' No one answered. kept me laughing for a long time. The friend next to me was asleep. "Why are you laughing?" I said "Nothing".
And we came to Hopa. Hüseyin  got off first, turned around, waved at us and disappeared...

17 th day 

Today, I do not neglect writing as usual, and I really like this author's Demet. The writing itself is beautiful and I don't worry that someone will read it later. I think maybe there will be people who read my stories, but this inner journey of mine has no anxiety about being read.
I am oscillating between the waves of the writing process itself. Writing is my refuge,
I pull myself to this beach with my pen in the hope of surviving the stormy weather and now I realize that what I feared did not happen to me, I still have a poetic soul...

Hüseyin's Story Part 1

We were at the Erzincan bus station. We were going to end our trip to Dersim and go to Hopa with a friend of mine. But there was only one bus to Hopa, it would leave at midnight. We had a lot of time for the bus to leave. What to do, wait, there is nothing to do. We found the bus we were going to take and sat on the empty bench opposite it. We wanted to read a little something, but it didn't take long, the bus station was noisy, we couldn't concentrate. We said it's best to chat, and we were always talking about Dersim, the place we had a hard time leaving. Let's chat, a group of people caught my eye in the future, a man was lying on the ground and someone was gathered around him. I couldn't help but look in the hope that maybe I can be of some help. I approached the fainted man and the crowd at his head.
The man was writhing on the ground, clutching his stomach. But something told me he might be faking it. Then another voice inside me said, "Demet, you have lost your trust in people since you stayed in Istanbul. You don't believe the man who writhed on the ground," he said. I thought it would be best to observe a little more, it gives a deficit anyway. As time passed, his writhing lessened. While he was holding his stomach with one hand, he was studying people's faces with one eye. One of the women asked: Shall we take her to the hospital? Or should we call an ambulance?
Hüseyin: No sister, I know what my illness is...
Woman: What is your disease?
Hüseyin held out a piece of paper and showed it to him, but neither the woman nor anyone there understood anything from the paper.
Another man asked. What can we do for you?
Hüseyin: I need to take medicine
Man: Okay, there's a pharmacy over there, let's go get some medicine for you.
Hüseyin: No bro, I'll buy it, you give me money.
I understood there, of course, this man is a swindler, I said to myself and left there and went to my friend.
My friend asked 'what happened' 'I said never, a scammer'
I sat down, but at the same time I was watching them out of the corner of my eye to see what they were going to do... After a while, the crowd at his head decreased to two people. Then Hussein was still talking to them and they walked together into the bus station. They disappeared from sight.

Then, ten minutes passed, Hüseyin came and sat on the bench next to us. And of course he had nothing.
He looked at me and said, 'Is there any water, sister?' I said, 'Yes, there is'. I gave him the water, he thanked me.
'You're welcome, why did you just pretend?'

He did not expect this question. He looked at me and grinned a little. 'Not the number, look at the paper...' was the same paper as the previous one. 'Nothing can be understood from here, but I'm sure you're pretending, isn't it a pity, you are using people's good intentions'
Hüseyin: Sister, what should I do? I had to buy a ticket. I have no money.
'If you said so, then why are you pretending?'
Hüseyin: I told them later and they bought me a ticket. Look here...
I said 'you did well'.
There was silence for a while, then she turned to me and said, 'My sister, I am  very hungry, can you give me money to buy something to eat'?
‘I can’t give you money, but I can buy you something to eat at the grocery store. I said I was going to buy something to drink from the market anyway. Then I went to the market and I was buying something to drink, when Hüseyin came to the market after me, he had a sandwich and a coke in his hand and said, 'My sister, can you pay for these?' and left. Alright...
He continued to sit on the bench next to us, ate all in one breath. I continued the conversation with my friend. He interrupted 'thank you sister' 'you're welcome'
I didn't turn that way again, because we were two women traveling and I didn't want to have much contact. So that there is no stickiness at the end of the job. Anyway, an hour passed and I saw that Hüseyin had fallen asleep on the bank next to us. I said anyway, even if the bus moves as soon as possible, I was thinking that we should get out of here. Hüseyin: called out again "My sister, can you wake me up in an hour" "why"
Hüseyin said, "The bus will leave, I will go to Hopa."
My friend and I had a look, "Oh my God, are you going to Hopa, too?"
We had a long way to go, if he kept us talking, we got burned... But it was not as we expected, the bus came, we sat in the front two seats, and Hüseyin went to the back seat. He had fallen asleep. During the night, the bus stopped at an unrelated place. Hüseyin: stopped the bus, he was smoking and the whole bus was waiting for him. Anyway, she got on the bus and turned to me and said, 'Can you wake me up in Rize in the morning, sister?'
I was the only friend of the man the whole bus was pissed about, he trusted me on the bus. End of Chapter One

16th day

Today I got up early, went for a walk to open my body, walked for an hour in the forest at 6.45 am and now I sit in my room and I go to many places through thought, it is possible, actually, a feeling is coming from somewhere. The words that you have to do this and that I need to be appreciated often circulate in my head, although I do not express my desire to be appreciated clearly, it is as if I have such a secret desire to myself. Now I, Demet, am sending this request over me forever, as long as this request does not stop on me wherever it goes. And I close myself to my inner voice that you have to do this, you have to do this. What remains is the desire to learn and explore. Yes, this is what's left of Demet when you take out the junk. The desire to touch people is also the ability to reach and contact their stories...

The story of the undefined

It was my last year in Istanbul, February 15, 2020 I was waiting at the Kadıköy ferry port to get to Karakköy, I was so unhappy that it was as if the earth and sky were pouring sadness on me, loneliness, brokenness, a state of not being understood, all the anxieties gathered on me. There was a drop in the socket of my eye, waiting. But I couldn't let go of that drop, I guess I was afraid of the pity of the group that was getting more and more crowded on the pier. While these thoughts were spinning in my head, I realized that someone from the crowd was coming towards me, but he had an attitude as if he was sniffing around and found me by my scent. He came, stood next to me and looked at me, "he said an unidentified celestial body." At that moment, our eyes met and we started laughing, as if you had summarized the mood I was in and the situation I was feeling. He is much older than me, but extremely sympathetic and a bit disoriented, which I called "Undefined" because none of these descriptions would describe him. Maybe he called himself Undefined, I don't know. We started chatting all of a sudden, and the cloud of sadness was gradually clearing up above me, giving way to a childlike joy. The ferry came, we sat side by side and crossed the street, how good it was to chat with him. Meanwhile, I learned that he was actually a clown. Slightly cracked people have always attracted my attention, probably because of my belief that in this disordered world, it is impossible to be organized.
Anyway, he continued to chat on the ferry, but we finally crossed the street and after karaköy we left because we had an appointment with different friends. But we added each other on facebook.
Then I went to meet my friend who was waiting for me. How are you, your voice sounded bad on the phone, no? It was, actually, but when I was chatting with a man on the ferry, I said it was all over. My friend and I ended the night by talking about good topics that evening.
 A few days later, I wanted to meet him. We met and sat on the Kabataş beach. We chatted for a long time and he took out a book and said open any page of this book and read it. I took the book in my hand, opened a random page and read it. There were sentences describing the situation I was in, and the book also showed the way. The voice inside me: No dear, I can't believe such a thing, it happened by chance, and I dismissed it.
 A period of time passed, a week or two, and I was once again overwhelmed with the feeling of not being able to get used to school life and not being understood. I called the unknown and we met again on a Kabadaş beach. After two beers, we were talking about the questioning question of life, and I saw that book again in his shirt pocket. Give me that book, I said, and I bought the book, then I opened a random page again and started reading this time, whatever I experienced and felt at that moment and in the situation was written in that book. I was also very surprised by his answers, but this time I started to believe a little, then we met from time to time with Unidentified and I told him to bring the book with him every time. And now I started to believe what the book said, I started to feel the effect on myself. For a while, I didn't want to spoil the magic of the book, so I didn't want to buy the book at a bookstore. But at the end of that year, I decided to quit teaching and go abroad. I arranged everything, visa air ticket etc.
I had the feeling of leaving everything behind and my plane ticket had a baggage allowance of eight kilos. I was 35 years old, I was traveling to a completely different country, moreover, I didn't know the language and culture, and I decided to take only eight kilos with me. It was then that I realized what was precious to me. I bought my violin, my camera, my notebook and the book in the hands of an unknown person to take with me.
And after I went abroad, I can say that that book became my guide. It's been almost three years, and whenever I get stuck, I open it and read it from anywhere, and it tells the current situation and how to get out of that situation in a philosophical language. But of course, since I believed in such a thing, it seemed to contradict my scientific thinking ability, I did not mention such a thing especially to those around me.Until one day I stumbled upon a youtube video. Moreover, it was a channel broadcasting on book channels and he was talking about it in that video. That the book is a bilge book and that after the end of Confucius, he said that 'from the definition of life for another 50 years, I reserved this just for this story and interpretation'. After that video, I believed it out of humiliation. Thank you 'Undefined'. I'm still training you towards education, and that's a really great talent, trying to educate a human being...

15 th day 

My God, it's raining so beautifully, the sound of the water caresses my soul, what a beautiful time... I feel like I belong here. Nature belongs to me and why I came to this country still sits in my head. And any place where it rains so beautifully can be my hometown. Writing, reading is just meditating. What I whisper to myself in this magical moment is that I must see the unseen.

I got up in the morning, did my walk, and now I sit at the table to write again. Now I feel more focused on what I want to do and I want to focus even more. I believe I will succeed in this, but there is something else I have noticed that some things sometimes rewind. As it should be very normal, in the end, life consists of a process, one should not expect a result.


AYŞE'S STORY

In the first year I taught in Urfa, I was working in a village 80 km from the center, and in the meantime, I used to go to the center and stay in the Teacher's House on weekends. Again, one such day, while I was staying at the Teacher's House, I met a girl named Ayşe as a roommate, and after a little chat, she opened up her life story to me. She talked about how everything in his life changed after his sophomore year of college. Ayşe, who has been helping her mother in the village until then, after her mother becomes a bedridden patient, all the housework, sheep and other animals are left to Ayşe. Ayşe has to choose between taking care of her mother or going to school and she quits school and decides to devote her next life to her mother's happiness. But things do not turn out as Ayşe had hoped, her mother's condition deteriorated and she was taken to the hospital. They said that her mother's condition was good and that she would be discharged tomorrow. They say that his condition worsened at night and he was taken to the intensive care unit, but they still could not save him. She feels very bad, she cannot recover for a long time, and she receives psychological treatment. While Ayşe is going through these, her father tells her that he wants to married and he wants to bring a woman to the house soon, but Ayşe opposes this and does not want to let anyone into the house where her mother's memories are. After this situation, her father marries the other woman and moves to another house. Meanwhile, Ayşe's sister Canan, who is studying at university, finishes the university and stays with Ayşe for a while until she finds a job. During this time, Ayşe feels a little better, but Ayşe's sister. The brothers living in the village want to marry these two girls. Ayşe objects to this situation. And after a while, Canan finds a job in Urfa. She earns money, buys a house and takes her older sister with her e sends Ayşe to the classroom and thus Ayşe finishes school. In the same year, she works hard and prepares for the KPSS exam, when Canan is fired, and these two girls, who have no other income, have to leave the house and return to the village because they cannot pay their rent. But KPSS is the last 10 days and Ayşe has to stay in Urfa during this time. With the last money, Canan places her sister in the teacher's house and returns to the village. Will the setbacks end in this process, KPSS will be postponed and Ayşe has to stay at the teacher's house for a while... more to come

14 th day 

THE STORY OF THE MUTS

It was the winter season of 2019 and the cold weather was making itself felt. We decided to meet a friend of mine in Kadıköy in the evening, the weather was quite cold, I got ready and took my green muts, which I have been using for a long time, with me.
As usual, I went to the meeting place a little late, luckily the friend knew me and there was no problem. We sat somewhere, chatted a little and had a drink in Kadıköy, then my friend said that there was a nice concert across Taksim. Ayşenur Kolivar, one of my favorite artists, was going to perform, I wouldn't want to miss it. The time didn't matter because the next day was a holiday. We jumped on the ferry and went to Taksim, the concert went better than we expected, the green sides of my soul went towards the Black Sea, and it came back that night, Horon danced a lot at the end of the concert. It was midnight, we quickly headed for the minibuses. We went across to Kadıköy and then I was going to do Beykoz from there, whichever way you look at it, it would take one and a half or two hours, we walked quickly. We left İstiklal in 10 minutes, we arrived next to the Kadıköy minibus. There was car seat for two people in the minibus, one in the first and one in the last seat, the friend acted as a gentleman and I sat in the front seat. The effect of the concert was still on me, but going home late was stressful. As you know, the undesirable consequences of being a woman, fortunately, the taxi driver was moving fast. We crossed the bridge and we never got stuck in traffic. When we entered Kadıköy, the passenger next to me wanted to get off, so I stood up and gave him a place. Then a few people got out of the rear seats a little further ahead. My friend's side was empty, my friend said, "Come, if you want, this place is empty" and I went to the back seat to continue our conversation, but I noticed something in the meantime, my muts was not on my lap, I couldn't understand how the green muts that was on my lap while getting into the car disappeared somehow.
At first, I was sure that he had fallen in the car. I didn't think of any other possibility.
I asked the gentleman in the front seat, 'excuse me, is there a green muts there?'
When the man saw the panic mixed with stress in me, he looked around carefully, but couldn't find it in front of the seat, then I asked the man sitting in the front seat, 'sorry, is there a green muts there?'
Thanks to that man, he looked under the seats very carefully, but he couldn't find.
Of course, by the way, I was explaining why the muts is important. I was just telling that I used this green muts. People were impressed by this story and my sincerity.
then later on the bus there was a panic, everyone started looking for my green muts on the minibus
In the end, it was up to the driver. While the driver was driving, he was looking around to see if the muts could be around. But no one could find the muts
the well-meaning driver was comforting me. 'Maybe, sister, someone will find it and then I'll save it for you'
I had been meeting my friend next to me for the past year, so he did not know why it was important to me, and all these things seemed funny to him. In fact, looking at it now, it is not unfair.
A few days passed, and I bought myself a muts of the same color, but I couldn't like it.
When we reunited with that friend that evening, he also gave me a green muts
but I couldn't get used to it either, I haven't worn a muts since then, I don't know why
Ours is just a muts story...

12 th day 

I didn't go for a walk today so I'm feeling a little sleepy. And there is something I feel these days that I am strengthening my spiritual side. I already believed in nature and human beings, and that they are a part of God. Nowadays, I also believe in myself as a human being in what I want to do and what I will do. I have been on a quest for a very long time, but I realized that I was on my way to finding and discovering myself. Of course, the Internet is not a place where people can find themselves. I've watched a lot of self-help videos, but not all of them have any validity other than daily, feel-good. I've listened to a lot of people. The only person I didn't listen to was myself. Yes, I did not listen to myself. From time to time, I listened to my inner voice, but after a while, I dismissed this voice. Now I just want to listen to this voice. I won't be watching videos for a while, and I won't be on social media. I will read and write books. I will be careful with my diet. He said this in the book I read yesterday. Happiness is not in wanting something, it is not in getting it, happiness is not asking for anything from the outside...

11th day 

Today I feel good. And I continue my research about myself. I feel like I was born from my ashes. I was thinking about my main features, now I'm going to write them down. I can't do the same thing every day. This bores me. I like to travel. I have a side that is excited and loves to explore. Although I have tried for a long time, I cannot create a program for myself. Because what I want to do one day, I don't want to do the next day. I like to travel and roam. Being constantly active is good for me. I like to research. Different topics grab my attention and I research them. In depth... my concept of country has not been settled since long ago. I like to travel to different geographies and make friends with new people. I'm more in favor of having a caravan than having a house. I like to travel with him and share my memories. I will share my travel memories here in the future.

10th day 

I'm checking myself. I am reading a book about this ayurvedic type of health system and the basic philosophy of yoga and this topic started to interest me.
I have created a routine in the mornings, I don't want to break them. I just don't have a routine for the afternoon. Sometimes I draw so that if I draw and produce something that day, I'm very happy. I've been drawing sunflowers lately and I think I want to start writing my stories now, I really want it. And of course I want to focus on English too. I made a decision today.
At the moment, I want to concentrate on writing and speaking English for a month or two, let alone my Dutch.

I want to set myself such a goal because now, although it is a little difficult for me to accept, English is a world language and we will live in Amsterdam. that's why most courses and universities there are in english so it's important for me to progress in english, which is not what i used to be in dutch. I feel more advanced. I will improve my English while dealing with subjects such as yoga, mindfullnes and ayurveda. I want to read books in English and write in English every day until August 20, I do not want to deal with anything else. I can even research and read the subjects I want to study in English. I can even keep my diaries in English.
I am a Pitta, by the way, there are things in this ayurveda that help me to know myself,
I have a bit of ego, but it is really important for me to know this exactly and to know which of my actions is caused by ego.
I must know my ego side, on the other hand, I must realize that I have a leading spirit and my anger when that spirit is not satisfied. And I have to improve myself in these matters. And another of my character traits is that I do things that need to be done.. 

9 th day

Today is a beautiful day and I feel fully in it. I am not in the past and I am not going to the future. I am just this day. Do I have concerns about the future, but by focusing on the 'what can I do for this' part. i'm trying to do it. I learned something called Ayurveda and I've been researching it since yesterday. I learned that I am Pitta. According to Pitta, I learned that I should eat foods and what are my health problems that may occur, and I continue to learn. It was good for me in a different way. My work on meditation and yoga continues. My body wants something from me. And my ego wants something from me.

Yes, I should be aware of that. I am a body, mind and spirit triad, I am all of these. That's why I'm researching and learning. What does my body need? What does my mind need, ego which of them. I think. I want the house issue to be resolved soon and I believe it will be solved. I hope it turns out to be the house I want. It is a place close to the forest where I can go down to nature often.
It is a place where I can get away from the hustle and bustle of the city whenever I want.
Today I started to wonder about ayurveda and especially meditation, the state of being in the process without expecting a result, in the flow.
My husband is in the flow there too. I have a lot of desire to stay here and today, right now. with my daughter and husband. With my soul mate in this life...
If it were not so, I would not have let myself fall into his arms. Now I feel that I am starting to take root in these lands. Gotta see this place like me. I don't know how long I will stay. yes, but I have a root here, a very important root.
  Moreover, his root was here, and our roots were intertwined. We get water together from the soil and other minerals. We also have the sun. We are free to decide how and where to evolve. In this freedom, we or life will determine where we direct our minds.

8 th day 

I'm starting English again and now as a bilingual person, I feel that English is a world language. I know.
that's why I have a visual side, I'm aware of that.
With this visual side, I can reflect my talent, my free perspective on art, to the other side.
I can get to know and introduce the world, from my own perspective.
I can travel, I can touch people
But first I have to deal with this cowardly side of me.
I will set my fearful side free within myself.
How far does this cowardly part of me go when we go back to the past?
he wants to feel more secure in life. safety in life is important yes I know that.
 But I still won't let my fears rule me. Only love can rule me. The vibration of my heart will help me move forward, I know and feel it. I'm only a year late, nothing more. But from this moment on, I promise to stick to whatever decision I make.
And I decided that I will learn about life from my daughter.
First thing I learned yesterday is that if you want to move forward, you don't look back.

7 th day 

My mind is so full it may be a mistake to try to empty it. I have to find things to keep him busy. I have to make peace with my own luck. I'm sorry, but this is how I have to make peace with myself. I have to grow myself by going deep, until there is nothing left to write. I was so full that I wouldn't consider myself fully here without writing these, but it's good to decide to write again. Well, how does a mother survive... Demet, who has never been a normal child until now, would of course not be a normal mother... What can a woman do when she is a mother, I'm sure of that I will push her limit. Because there is a very special feeling that he added to me. And of course, it gives me the joy of not living in my own life sometimes and saving it inside me.

Today my daughter taught me:

1-If you want to move forward, don't look back, look forward.
2-Don't wear your family and past travails
3-Move

6 th day

My top three rules

1- I am a world person myself, here and I will be elsewhere.
2- A woman who travels, reads, researches and writes.
3- I will deal with children who cannot be understood.

5 th day

I don't know why I'm a little low on energy. It felt as if there was a gap between what I wanted to do and what I did, and when I think about it now, an inner voice asks if I should give up what I want to do. But of course, there is something in me that says not to give up. But while I want to eliminate some things, I can't, I need help especially in the main categories. Today, I'm stuck on the part that is a bit complicated to decide with your mind again.

I know that writing will be good for me, but it's like I'm having a hard time mixing my old truths with my current ones.

4 th day

My rules in life

1-Live your own soul, even if a hundred people say you are on the wrong path, do what you know.
2-Discover everything you are curious about, play like a child and with joy...
3-Don't do anything you're forced to do, let it go.
4-Don't seek mental clarity, listen to your heart. Your heart is talking to you.
5-Remember that you are a traveler on earth.
6-Don't give your opinion unless he asks for your help.
7-Stay away from the people you see outside, from whom you receive negative energy.
8-Do the things that make your soul ignite. Drop the others into the water.
9-You just pay attention to that girl inside you
10-There are people in the world who need a lot of help. You cannot help all of them. You need your energy, don't use it for nothing.
11-Like every child that comes into the world, your child has a unique character, just as we are more advanced than our family, our children will be more advanced than us.
12-Learn from the people you meet.
13-Don't forget to enjoy life.

3 rd day 

I have some physical pains, so I actually tried to stop both meditation and writing. But I was willing, I didn't quit, and now this state of not quitting is good for me, and it's even better. I'm watching today
 Based on the video, I am highly influenced by the developments outside. I am happy when I write here now, yes I am, I am not thinking about how I will write today and tomorrow. I ate dessert in the morning, molasses, I don't know its effect, but I have a serious weight on me, my body wants to rest, I'm sure of it, but I insistently chose to write instead of resting.
 There is a difference between the things I want to do and the things I need to do. While doing this, I could not do it on the basis of a day, but maybe I can do it on the basis of the week, what do you think, Demet. it could be. So, what do you say to this program, which is what I need to do 4 days a week and what I want to do 3 days a week. It seems logical, that's all for this diary, but it is good to write, of course, I am very respectful of my body's desire to rest. So that's it for now.

2 nd day 

I went on such a quest to know myself that it took me years. What am I, who am I, why did I come into the world, etc. Questions. My life purpose... I was struggling with it. I was walking around as if everyone around me had a purpose but I didn't. I felt this so much while living in Istanbul. When I went to Kadiköy or Taksim, the people who were flocking around, running from place to place, all this crowd from metro to metrobus had a purpose in life and they were running somewhere, but it was as if I didn't exist. This feeling has happened many times, and each time I went behind the sound of music and listened to music somewhere or had a drink and wrote. I had something to say to that crowd...
Hey where are you going? Can we talk for a minute... Where is it so fast?
When I went to a bookstore to buy a book, while I was looking at the book, there were people who took the books with me and left.

Today is the second day of my writing, I know that I will go to beautiful places again. I don't have any expectations, the music I listen to affects my dreams. Today I want to address the issue of happiness and sadness. I came out of a painful geography and I don't know why, I have a feeling that sadness must always be present in life. For example, I feel happy these days, and interestingly enough, I feel guilty about it. Have you ever had this? So did you feel guilty for being happy? Now, if a person's share requires a certain amount of sadness and pain, I've suffered through it more than enough, of course I don't want to suffer more like everyone else. But I don't want to go into a suffering mode out of nowhere. When appropriate, I will tell you what I went through and how you gave birth to me. Now when I look at it from here and if there is a scale somewhere, my scale should be watching for happiness, even if it is a little bit. But as I said in a moment of happiness, as if this should not happen, how can I be happy in my country when so many friends and friends are unhappy. And when discrimination is so extreme. It's not like that actually...
Everyone has the right to be happy, moreover, I am looking for peace rather than being happy, which I find in writing most of the time.

1 st day ,

I set aside writing as my job to do. As the first and most important task because I have checked myself many times. I came to the conclusion that I must write. It’s not like that, it’s not so gloomy, it’s not bleak, it’s beautiful, it’s special, maybe there is sadness, it’s impossible not to exist, sadness exists in life. But even when I write the sadness, there is a peace. There is a desire to belong to myself and to find myself. Yes, Demet, be honest with yourself, today I invite you to challenge myself with all your honesty. My whole battle has been with myself and within myself, but today I am going on a journey of self-destruction by challenging myself. Force your authority from the beginning. This feeling is exciting. I act with the instinct of creating a me by destroying myself. I will push all my unshakable sides. I’m going to take a hearty blow at all my thick walls and I’m ready for it. While I am looking for myself, I will make this whole revolution against myself at the head of the table. Yes, it must be true. There is one thing I have learned in my life that nothing is certain. That’s why we should change the end of all sentences to “I think like this now”. What we say right now is true only for us and only right now. Not true for us and 2 years later. Just now. If you get stuck with your past self, your progress is difficult. Let me speak more broadly, if you try to get stuck with your past and try to come back to it, it is a big mistake because it was not quite right to say that you brought you here, or vice versa. All these experiences were necessary for you to be here. Look at things from this perspective. And since the day I decided to sit at this table and write, I have no doubt that something will go great today. As long as you write, the doors will open, make sure that I will share my stories here. Here I will discover ways to start the day positive…